Ghosting Maybe The New Normal, But The Emotional Impact Isn’t

Have you ever wondered why the person you were hoping to date or make friends with stopped responding to your texts and calls? How they casually vanished into thin air like Harry Houdini? Welcome to the club. This phenomenon is known as ‘ghosting’. According to Cambridge Dictionary ghosting is defined as an act where one individual ends a relationship with someone suddenly without any explanation. According to a lot of people, this thing we call ghosting is simply an act of cruelty, cowardliness and indecency. Mental health professionals have recognised ghosting as a form of emotional abuse and cruelty.
 
Katie Harrison, 28 a lawyer in London tells me “I find that ghosting is just incredibly rude! why can’t someone just say no politely instead of saying nothing at all is beyond me. It’s incredibly immature and pathetic.”

Ghosting is very common at the beginning stages of a relationship as opposed to having been with the person for some time, it’s an act of breaking up with someone when you weren’t really together in the first place or as Henry Davidson, 32 who’s an entrepreneur told me “it is lacking the communication skills to have a tough conversation.”

Social media and dating apps have made ghosting the norm. But why? Why are we ready to be intimate with someone but don’t have it in us to let the other person know when we’ve had enough. In a relationship there’s always one party that is more attached, more vulnerable and likes the other person a bit more than they like them. So, could it be we don’t realise that? 

“I once dated this girl for like a month and although I was attracted to her I just felt like the connection wasn’t there, after ducking her calls and texts a few times I received a very long text message from her confronting me for ghosting her and how that really hurt her. I never realised she was in that deep and liked me that much especially as we only saw each other for a month.” says Lucas Brandy, 27 a student from London.  

You found someone you liked. You gave them hope that they are wanted. They are worthy of spending time with. Then you found someone “better” and just leave without explaining why. Good for you, while you’re spending time with this new awesome individual you think is more suitable or more attractive than the other person, this other person is spending their days wondering what they did that was so wrong that you left without giving them notice. You not only shattered their heart but probably their self-esteem as well. 

Giving someone the silent treatment just because you lost interest is cruel and somewhat sinister. It shows that you aren’t considerate of other peoples feelings and come off as selfish and self-involved. “Ghosting makes you a very shitty person, if you don’t have the courage to give an explanation as to why you no longer want to see me then you don’t even deserve to be with me in the first place.” says Ruby Turki, 23 a student from Bournemouth.

In 2019 a YouGov survey of U.S. adults found out that 30 per cent of these adults had ghosted a friend or romantic partner. Yes, you read that correctly, even friends get ghosted. Sabrina, 33 told me “I met this really nice girl during my walk in Hyde Park and we really hit it off she had similar interest to me and came from the same background, we were chatting back and forth for 2 weeks and when I proposed we should go to a yoga session together she went silent. It was very confusing for me, it’s not like I had a hidden agenda I just wanted to make a new friend”.

Although it is more common amongst young people ghosting can happen at any age and if you’re young and can’t grasp the concept of ghosting, imagine how someone from an older more ‘traditional’ generation feels. Marketing director Chris Miller, 55 told me “After my divorce, I wanted to date someone younger and I’ve been on some dates with women who are in their twenties and thirties. A common thing I noticed with women in that age bracket was that some of them just stop responding for no good reason. It was incredibly confusing as things were going decent, I asked my single friends who are the same age as me and they just laughed at my face claiming it’s common in this day and age. It’s such a strange act.” 

You might be surprised, but not everyone is against this shameless act. According to dating expert Jonathan Bennett, ghosting sometimes might not be considered rude during certain circumstances especially if it involves someones own safety. I would agree with this and add that as long as you have told someone you are no longer interested in them romantically, and they still constantly keep texting you, you are not under any obligation to respond to them. 

Clinical psychologist Dr Jennice Vilhauer agrees and believes that certain situations such as being abused and violating boundaries is where ghosting is indeed acceptable. Vanessa Martin, 25 who is a biochemist told me “I once dated a guy for a couple of weeks and the connection wasn’t there, so I told him exactly that. However, he still kept messaging me constantly and sometimes even being rude to me, so I just stopped responding as I didn’t know what else to do”. There have been times where I have had to do the same. 

Speaking from personal experience, ghosting has this profound effect where even if you aren’t emotionally invested it can still sometimes hurt. And if you have ever been ghosted, and there’s a good chance you have, you know exactly what I mean. Insecurities start to percolate, and you get caught up in this vicious loop straight from hell where you start to overthink things. 

Jacob Reeves a 28 year old lawyer from London tells me“ I’m generally a very confident guy but when I got ghosted from this girl that I really liked and I had been seeing her for almost 2 weeks my insecurities and thoughts ran wild. I started to nitpick all the things that I thought were wrong me with. I won’t lie, even though I wasn’t deeply emotionally invested, it still had a major impact on my emotional health for quite some time. It was such a weird experience”.

Sometimes, however, the direct and awkward way is the best way to approach certain situations as it not only provides you with closure but can be seen as more ethical as well. For example when I found out from a friend that the girl I was seeing was still involved with her ex, I politely yet firmly let her know that it was wrong of her and she should have been honest with me, after that I ignored all her messages despite her countless apologies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Kristina Brown, 37 told me “ Mentally speaking I’m a strong person, but when I found out my boyfriend of 10 months was cheating on me, I sent him a long text saying how much he had hurt me and after that I just ignored his 12 phone calls and 20 something text messages he sent me. I never saw him again, although I got closure on text I wish I could say it to his face, but the pain was so unbearable I would have broken down if I ever saw him again.” This is a somewhat healthy and understandable approach to ghosting.

Binor who is a psychologist highlights that the act of ghosting puts a breakups “emotional labour” on the person who is being ghosted or dumped even though this burden should rest on the shoulders of the individual carrying out the act. He further adds that breaking up with someone in the traditional sense allows the person on the receiving end to start focusing on their emotional well being.

Dr Kristina also told me that the amount of patients she sees that mentioned that they have been ghosted is a little surprising and worrying. “I thought I was the only one this had happened to.” She explained how her clients would casually mention ghosting as they are talking about something else, while a hand full of patients feel so strongly about it that that’s all they talk about sometimes. “I would tell my clients to immerse themselves in a hobby or read an interesting book as a coping mechanism.”

My friends and I have had experiences where we have ghosted someone just because we were ghosted so many times. Although I am perfectly capable of having a “difficult” conversation, however, the one time I actually did ghost someone, it was purely out of revenge and frustration of haven it being done to me so many times. She mentioned how many times she’s gone ghost on someone and I wanted her to know what it felt like even though she hadn’t gone ghost on me, not until that point anyway.

L.A based psychologist Jennice Vilhauer says that although dating apps contribute significantly towards ghosting, the problem goes much deeper. She claims that there seems to be a loss of overall general empathy for people. The belief that you can speak to and treat someone however way you want without any responsibility is a mindset that has to change. She further adds, that when you have been ghosted a few times people start to shut down emotionally in a dating environment.

The more ghosting happens whether to yourself or someone else the more people start to become desensitised to it and are then more likely to do it to someone else. Dr Vilhauer also stresses that social rejection activates the same pathways related to pain in our brains as physical pain, further adding that in order to reduce emotional pain people often take medication such as Tylenol. That is pretty heavy stuff. Goes to show how much this “casual” act has a not so casual impact on the other person.

Another thing about ghosting is that you don’t really know how to process or react to it. Should you be concerned that this person may be lying in a ditch somewhere? Have they been kidnapped? Nabeel Arif, 28 told me “When this girl went ghost on me I was genuinely worried for her well being. We were chatting back and forth for a month and then all of a sudden no reply. I was so worried, but then I noticed she had watched my Instagram stories, so I knew that she was okay, she was just being a bitch.”

Licensed psychotherapist Micheal Ceely says that being ghosted literally changes chemicals in our brain. It triggers a stress response in our brains which in return reduces blood flow to the prefrontal cortex of our brains and make you feel like you’re having trouble thinking clearly. So if you’re having difficulty trying to process what just happened, that’s why. Dr Marni Feuerman further adds to this and mentions that being ghosted triggers a response in our brain that is linked with fear and stresses that ambiguity is perceived as a threat that goes straight to our amygdala part of our brain and this in return spikes our anxiety level.

It’s not surprising to find out how dating apps have become so popular during Covid-19 With the rise in online dating you know what else spiked during this time? You guessed it, ghosting. You would think that the lack of human touch and connection during the pandemic would make people behave but as so many more people were now using apps like tinder, this meant there were more options, meaning more ghosting. 

Ella, 22 from London told me “I have too many matches online, so I say hello to one guy and then I’m on to the next one, sometimes I forget to respond, sometimes I find someone hotter and other times the other person is more interesting so I don’t even bother with the first one. I was getting approximately 70 matches a day during the pandemic, I can’t keep up with all of them.” That sounds like a reasonable excuse I guess.

What concerned me the most was how some people who were already experiencing loneliness and anxiety even before the pandemic felt about this cruel and inconsiderable act. There’s officially a loneliness epidemic in the United Kingdom, and as high as 2.4 million adults have reported being lonely. A similar thing has happened in the U.S as 41 per cent of Americans felt lonelier since the pandemic.

People who were living alone during lockdown and literally had no human contact surely must of felt some kind of way about this. I was keen to find out more about this from the people who had experienced this.

Sofia Davidson, 34 who is a doctor told me “ I was already depressed and lonely even before covid, I dont have many friends and have been active on the online dating scene on and off again for quite some time looking for love. When the pandemic happened I reactivated my Bumble profile, and got even more depressed as most guys were either looking for sex or just stopped responding after a while. In the midst of the pandemic, I got so frustrated that I thought about taking my own life.”

Sofias response was exactly what I was afraid of and the worst part is she is just one of many I interviewed that gave similar responses. I have experienced my fare share of loneliness and ghosting, but those feelings felt far more intense during the pandemic and lockdown.

Jason Marciniak, 29 who is an engineer in the U.S told me “ I matched with this girl online and our so called relationship lasted only a month before she ghosted me. However, only a week in I started opening up to this girl about things I would never usually do so early on. I was sharing details about my family, friends, mental health and financial struggles. Maybe it was the loneliness during the lockdown that made me over share. Maybe it was excitement of finally meeting someone new during all this hell. I don’t know. All I know is I was back on my anti-depressants shorty after she ghosted me as I felt abandoned.”

You can clearly see what playing hopscotch with your romantic pursuits and ghosting someone does to some people. The harsh impact it has. You may argue that the impact ghosting had on their mental health is over the top, however, if you aren’t in their shoes, can you really judge? I could hear Jason’s voice crack whilst he was telling me his story over the phone and I just wanted to tell him that it was going to be okay.

Jesicca Grimes, 25 a masters student in London told me “When I met someone online during lockdown, that person became part of my daily routine as there wasn’t much else going on around me. We would have a zoom call every day, and for him to ignore my texts and disappear like that was heart-wrenching for me, I had abandonment issues as a child and those feelings came rushing back.” 

Rachel Wright, sex and relationship expert makes a point by saying that ghosting during the pandemic is more acceptable as people are generally uneasy and think the world is coming to an end. Rachel makes a valid point. Ghosting during the pandemic is understandable in certain situations. For example you may have been overwhelmed by the virus by constantly watching the news, or maybe a loved one or yourself may have contracted the virus and got distracted.

Understandable as it may be after you’re done reading this you should hopefully realise that it is not excusable to never respond to that person ever again as some people take it to heart, as we’ve seen. Take your time when you’re overwhelmed but try and make an effort to get back to that person whenever you can. 

Dr Feuermans advice to someone being ghosted is to keep the rational part of the brain online and keep in mind that you are in control of your own thoughts and the perception you hold about yourself and to let the initial shock wear off before making any drastic decisions.

We have all been through a dark and lonely phase in our lives, the least you can do is be compassionate towards others and ask yourself, if you’re not ready to have a tough conversation with someone regarding your feelings towards them, are you even mature enough to start dating? 

What we as people must start to acknowledge is that there is an actual human being on the other end and not an automated robot. So the next time you decide to say Abracadabra to someone, please think of that. Leave the vanishing act to actual magicians, they know what they’re doing, you don’t.